Five steps, one worked example
A colleague has missed two deadlines on a shared project. Here is the whole conversation, step by step.
- 1Open with your intentName the topic and why you are raising it, in one or two sentences. I’d like to talk about the project handovers. I want us to find a way that works for both of us.
- 2Share the factsDescribe what happened and its effect. No labels, no guesses about motives. The last two handovers arrived after the review started, and I had to postpone the client call both times.
- 3Hear their viewAsk an open question, then listen without planning your reply. What’s been getting in the way?
- 4Agree one next stepMake it specific: who does what, by when. So you’ll send the notes by 4 pm the day before, and I’ll give two days’ notice of any date change. Does that work?
- 5Follow upConfirm the agreement in writing and check in on a set date. I’ll send a quick note so we both have it, and let’s check in next Friday.
Feedback with the SBI model
SBI stands for Situation, Behaviour, Impact. It keeps feedback to what you saw and what it caused, so the other person hears facts rather than a judgement of their character. Choose a case to see it built.
Opening lines for hard topics
The first sentence sets the tone for everything after it. Name the topic, show your intent, and invite the other person in.
Four ways to say no
A professional no is clear about the answer and generous about the relationship. Pick the pattern that fits who is asking.
When you are the one receiving criticism
Your first reaction is usually defensive. These four moves give you time to respond to the message, not the feeling.
- Step 1 Pause Breathe once before you speak. Silence reads as thoughtfulness. “Okay. Give me a second to take that in.”
- Step 2 Thank and clarify Ask for a specific example so you understand exactly what they mean. “Thanks for telling me. Could you give me an example?”
- Step 3 Separate message from delivery Even badly delivered feedback can contain a useful point. Find it. “So the main issue is the length of my updates?”
- Step 4 Respond or take time Agree to what is fair. For the rest, say when you’ll come back to them. “That’s fair. Let me think about the rest and come back to you tomorrow.”
Prepare in ten minutes
Most hard conversations go wrong in the first minute, because the person raising them has not decided what they want. Answer these five questions on paper before you book the time. The answers here are for the missed-deadlines example above.
The fourth question matters most. If the one outcome you want is “handover notes arrive the day before”, every sentence you say can point there, and the conversation cannot drift into a review of the whole project. The difficult workplace conversations guide walks through the same preparation for pay talks, conflicts between colleagues and complaints from clients.
Follow up in writing
A short note the same day turns what you agreed into a shared record. Keep it factual and warm; it should hold no surprises.
In person, on a call, or in writing
The medium is part of the message. Tone of voice and facial expression carry much of the meaning in an emotional conversation, so the harder the news, the closer to face-to-face it should be. Writing is right for records, small requests and clear refusals.
| Conversation | Best medium | Why |
|---|---|---|
| Serious performance news | In person | The person needs to see that you take it seriously and that you care how they receive it. |
| Feedback on a pattern of behaviour | In person | Patterns need discussion and their side of the story, which writing cannot give. |
| Disagreeing with a decision | In person or call | Tone shows you are questioning the decision, not the person who made it. |
| Bad news to a client | Call, then email | The call shows respect; the email records the facts and the plan. |
| Feedback on a document | Writing | Comments can point to the exact line, and the writer can return to them. |
| Declining a request or meeting | Writing | A short, clear message lets the other person reply in their own time. |
| Delegating a task | Writing | The task, deadline and standard are on record for both of you. |
Written feedback works when it is specific and ends with one clear priority; the guide to written feedback people actually use shows how. Declining a meeting is usually best by message, and the meeting-decline templates give formal, warm and brief versions.
Delivering bad performance news
When the news is serious (a failed probation, a missed promotion, a formal warning), say it in the first minute. People cannot listen to context while they are waiting for the blow. Here is the order, with the words a manager might use.
Reactions vary: some people go quiet, some argue, some want to leave the room. All three are normal. Offer a second meeting the next day for questions, once the first shock has passed. The guide to delivering bad performance news in person covers each reaction, and the feedback scripts cover the earlier, lighter conversations that should come first.
Guides on difficult conversations
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